This is a chronicle for parents and future parents. But also for mothers and all people who are curious to know more about fatherhood, because the pages of books, courses and fatherhood support services have long made us ask “where are the fathers?”
I don’t think I have enough fingers to count the number of times I’ve heard fathers (and mothers) say that “a mother is a mother” with the underlying intention of explaining that the relationship between the baby, or child, and the mother It is naturally stronger, because there is something instinctive that prepares mothers, but not fathers, for this arduous, lifelong task of parenting. He explains, raising his shoulders in despair, that his crying baby can only be calmed by his mother. There is no turning back. After all, do mothers have superpowers that fathers don’t?
Let’s go back half a million years, when two ingredients came together for the birth of parenthood: bipedalism and the significant enlargement of our brain. This crossing, which began to make it difficult for a larger than usual baby to pass through a birth canal smaller than necessary, inevitably led to the shortening of the gestation period and the birth of highly dependent and vulnerable beings.
If a million years ago mothers could only depend on other women to help them raise their children, and men did not play an active role as fathers, the path of evolution forced someone else into the equation to help take care of such defenseless beings. That person was the father, who began to take an active role, not only when the child could follow him on hunts, but immediately after pregnancy and especially at the time of birth.
Today’s parents are, therefore, a consequence of half a million years of evolution. There are those who say that a father is born when he dreams of being a father. But I would say that the most common belief is that the father is only born when the baby is born. After all, they are not the ones who go through physical and biological changes during pregnancy… But perhaps that is not the case.
In the research projects I work on related to parenting, I have seen fathers and mothers open their eyes in surprise after being told that the father’s testosterone decreases before birth, so they respond better to crying. of the baby, they become more empathetic and affectionate. And this change makes them more sensitive to the effects of oxytocin and dopamine, which gives them the motivation to begin creating a relationship with their baby when it is still a very tiny being inside the mother’s womb. Basically, they prepare us to be parents.
It’s not that there is any secret here, but the truth is that this information is well kept in a locked drawer. At the end of the day, without knowing it, we will continue to accept that “a mother is a mother” without looking at the other side of the coin. But a father is also a father. And fathers, like mothers, go through physical and psychological changes that mark the beginning of their new role and, don’t be surprised, make them capable of fulfilling it. With clear benefits for one’s own mental health, that of the mother and, of course, that of the baby.
As with everything, it is not enough to know that our biology prepares us to adopt behaviors if at the right time we do not have the opportunity to put them into practice. In short, if we don’t get involved and learn. The amount of learning that parents need to be able to calm a baby, change their diaper, bathe them, be sensitive and in tune with the child’s needs, is the same amount that a mother needs.
All the parents I have known and worked with are super parents, because every day they transform their dose of biology and millions of years of evolution into concrete actions of love and presence. Each one in their own way. After all, parents have “superpowers” too.
Father is father. And the rest is history (and culture, and politics…)
Carolina Garraio is a psychologist and doctoral student at the Faculty of Psychology and Educational Sciences of the University of Porto. His research project focuses on the transition to parenthood, coparenting, and paternal involvement. It is implementing and evaluating a program (“Team Parents”) for couples experiencing the transition to parenthood.
Mental is a section of the Observer dedicated exclusively to topics related to Mental Health. It is the result of a collaboration with the Portuguese-American Foundation for Development (FLAD) and the Hospital da Luz and has the collaboration of the Faculty of Psychiatry of the Order of Physicians and the Order of Portuguese Psychologists. It is completely independent editorial content.
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Source: Observadora
